9/18/06 11:38 am - karmaeleon
9/18/06 11:38 am - karmaeleon
9/13/06 04:00 pm - karmaeleon - But I really wanted to find out where I could get some!
9/13/06 03:09 pm - karmaeleon
12/7/05 05:59 pm - randomonionring
REUTERS: PARALYZED HENCHMAN SUES ASSAILANT
On a humid autumn evening, Martin Walker was working his patrol shift outside a secret installation in the jungles of Cambodia. Suddenly, without notice, Walker was attacked from behind by a black-clad assailant. In a split second, his neck was ruthlessly snapped and his limp body was left for dead. Later found by local autorities after the building he was so dilligently guarding was leveled by a series of explosions, he was rushed to the municipal hospital in Phnom Penh. Martin is now a quadrapelegic, lifeless from the neck down and confined to a motorized wheelchair which he drives by blowing into a straw. He is currently in litigations for damages against his assailant, identified as one Steven Seagal, AKA Mason Storm, AKA John Hatcher, AKA Casey Ryback, AKA Forrest Taft. Seagal is an ex-military special agent/ex police officer/martial artist and self-proclaimed vigilante and freedom fighter who claims to have been on a mission that fateful night to avenge the cold-blooded murders of his wife, daughter, best friend, partner, mailman and goldfish, which were allegedly orchestrated by Maxim Carter, the head of Carter Industries, the company which employed Martin Walker.
Walker was reached for comment at his home outside Tallahassee, FL.
"You know, I was only 20, working my way through community college, my girl was pregnant, I was working a concession stand at the race track. I saw this ad in the paper. It's all 'Looking for a unique, well paying job that will impress your friends? Want to see the world? Looking to learn covert operation combat tactics and warefare without selling out to the U.S. military? Apply with Carter Industries. Top pay in our field and great benefits.' I figured 'What the hell', right? Well, they liked my style or something because they hired me on the spot. I was told not to ask too many question about the job. Simply that Carter Industries was into pharmecuticals and stuff. I didn't care, really. I was just trying to get my feet on solid financial ground, you know? I got hired on as "security". The high-ups used to joke and call us 'henchmen'. It was a pretty sweet gig. They trained me, gave me a machine gun and a sweet uniform and stuff. All I had to do was patrol around the building and 'shoot anything that moved'. I figured that meant like, tigers and stuff that could get into the building and hurt the scientists. I mean, we were in the jungle after all.
Anyway, I still don't really even know what happened. All I know is there I was, working my shift outside the building when, BAM. I was grabbed up on from behind and then like, everything went black. I woke up in the hospital a few days later and I couldn't feel my body and stuff. It sucks, man. I was just doin my job, you know? He didn't even give me the option to surrender or anything. It's not like I was that committed to the company. I mean, it was a decent job and all but if he had been like 'Put the gun on the ground and walk away or I'm gonna snap your neck.', you know I would have been out of there.
So my life is like, totally screwed now. Here I am in my prime, can't move, can't work, can't play with my daughter... Got no recourse though the company or anything. I mean, dude who broke my neck went and shot up everyone at the company including Mr. Carter and all the upper management. Then he blew the whole place up! So now what? Company's totally gone. All the records went up in smoke and stuff. Turns out they were doing illegal stuff behind the scenes so my insurance, my benefits, all that's void now. I didn't even get my last paycheck. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Bills are piling up, you know? Sandra's all tied up looking after me and the baby. The money's got to come from somewhere. Seagal needs to face the results of his actions, man! It's his fault I'm like this and he's going to pay when we're done in court."
Hearings begin on monday.
11/17/05 07:29 pm - randomonionring
Stolen from krackmonkey who stole it from someone else. The best laugh I've had in weeks.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
10/20/05 09:57 pm - aeric_7734